Supporting children through big feelings can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. Whether you’re raising one child or a whole brood, emotional storms can leave everyone feeling shaken. Talking to children about big feelings isn’t always easy, but it is always worth the investment.
As a tutor and a mum in my mid-40s, I’ve seen both sides of these moments: the classroom version, where I help children untangle frustration or overwhelm, and the home version, where one of my own children exploded in tears over something that seemed tiny on the surface but was enormous to them. I want you to know this from the start: I’ve been there, I got through it, and so did my children. And you can too.
Understanding circumstances that generate big feelings
Children experience intense emotions for many reasons, and often several are layered together. Big feelings can be sparked by changes at home or school, misunderstandings with friends, exhaustion, hunger, sensory overload, learning pressures, or simply a day where nothing seems to go quite right.
For SEND children, big feelings may arise more quickly and with greater intensity because the world often feels louder, brighter or more demanding. Even neurotypical children struggle to make sense of experiences that adults barely notice.
Recognising the source isn’t about “fixing” the problem but about offering the safety of understanding.
What happens if big feelings aren’t dealt with?
When feelings build up without support, children don’t simply “grow out of it”. Unprocessed emotions can show up through avoidance, anger, withdrawal, sleep problems, dips in confidence, or sudden changes in behaviour at school or home.
Over time, children may learn to hide their feelings, believing they’re “too much” or that adults can’t help. This is why talking to children about big feelings – openly, calmly and often – is so important. Emotional literacy is a skill they carry for life.
Things to say and do when emotions run high
When your child is swept up in emotion, your job is not to solve the feeling but to co-regulate…to be the calm anchor they borrow steadiness from.
Speak gently and simply. Try phrases like:
- “I can see you’re having a big feeling. I’m here.”
- “It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s breathe together.”
- “Tell me what the hardest part is.”
Physical presence matters just as much as words. Sit nearby (not too close if they need space). Offer a hand, a soft toy, a cup of water, a cuddle or just silence while they settle. Children calm down far faster when they feel safe rather than corrected.
As a parent, I learned that staying calm is not about being perfect. It’s about repairing quickly when I slip. There were times I reacted too fast or too loudly. I apologised, we talked, and we moved on. Rupture-and-repair is healthy for children to witness.
Things not to say or do
Even the most loving parent can accidentally minimise a child’s feelings. Try to avoid comments like:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “There’s nothing to cry about.”
- “Stop it right now.”
- “You’re too old for this.”
These phrases shut down communication and can make emotions bigger. They can also prolong the duration of the problem.
Avoid lecturing in the heat of the moment, touching without consent, or insisting on eye contact. And don’t take it personally if your child directs their frustration at you. They’re actually showing you the safest part of their world.
Looking after the rest of the family when emotions are huge
A child in emotional crisis can swallow the attention of the entire household. Siblings may feel forgotten, worried or resentful and you can often see this in their reactions.
You might say to them, “Your brother is having a big feeling right now, but you’re important too. After this, I’d love some time with you.” Small reassurances can prevent lasting resentment. Don’t forget to follow through with it, though!
If possible, create roles: an older sibling who fetches a favourite blanket, another who chooses a calming song, or one who simply sits quietly nearby. Not every sibling needs a job, of course, but small acts can help them feel included rather than sidelined.
Parents also need emotional oxygen. It’s okay to step into another room for a moment or ask a partner, grandparent or friend to step in. You can only co-regulate if you’re regulated too.
What works for you?
Every family has its own rhythm, routines and triggers. What works beautifully for one child may fall flat for another. I’ve had families tell me that a soft light in the corner works wonders, while others rely on jumping on a mini-trampoline to release energy before talking.
I’d truly love to hear what works for you, because your ideas help other parents reading this. Feel free to share your strategies, your struggles, and the approaches that have helped your child find their calm.
A few final thoughts when talking to children about big feelings
Talking to children about big feelings is not a once-in-a-lifetime conversation; it’s a lifelong learning process. With patience, warmth and realistic expectations, you can teach your child the emotional vocabulary they need to thrive. And remember: you don’t need to get it right every time. You just need to stay connected.
If you or your child need extra support, whether emotionally, academically or both, private tutoring can also help rebuild confidence and provide a calm, structured space to grow.
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