Practical insights for parents on behaviour, SEND, and how children truly thrive

What does an educational psychologist do? When it comes to understanding children’s learning, behaviour and emotional wellbeing, few professionals offer as much depth and clarity as an educational psychologist.

I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Hayley Lugassy, an educational psychologist from Lugassy Learning Solutions who works closely with children, families and schools.

Dr. Lugassy brings a warm, reflective approach to her work, combining professional expertise with genuine empathy. Her insights go far beyond assessments and labels, focusing instead on the whole child – their environment, relationships and lived experiences.

Below, Dr. Lugassy shares her honest, practical and often eye-opening perspectives. Her answers are reproduced exactly as given to preserve the integrity and nuance of her voice.

1. What do you notice in the first five minutes of meeting a child that most adults would completely miss?

I often notice a child’s body language before anything else. Children communicate so much non-verbally – how they enter the room, whether they seem relaxed or guarded, how or if they use eye contact, where they position themselves, and how quickly they feel comfortable. Many adults focus on what a child says, but often their body language tells you how safe, confident, or overwhelmed they may be feeling.

2. What’s the biggest misconception parents have about what an educational psychologist actually does?

One of the biggest misconceptions is that educational psychologists mainly do cognitive assessments and produce IQ-type scores. Assessment can be one part of the role, but it is only a small snapshot of what we are trained to do. In truth, I rarely use formal cognitive assessments in my current practice and still have a very full diary.
A huge part of my work is systemic work. That means working beyond the individual child and looking at the wider systems around them such as school culture, staff practice, family context, policies, relationships and how support is organised. Often sustainable change happens when the system around the child changes, not just when the child is assessed.
Alongside that, I do consultation work with parents and staff, help make sense of behaviour and emotional needs through a psychological lens, advise on interventions, contribute to EHCP processes, support around attendance, anxiety, trauma and regulation, and help schools build more effective inclusive practice.
So whilst testing has its place, the role is far broader than scores on a page. Much of our value is in helping the adults and systems around a child respond differently.

Understanding children beyond ability

3. When you’re observing a child in class, what are you looking for that teachers and parents might not even realise is significant?

When I am observing a child in class, I am often looking for the things that can easily be missed because they seem small but can have a big impact. That might be the noise level, fluorescent lighting, crowded spaces, clothing discomfort, smells, unpredictability, or how close others are sitting.
I am also looking at task demands, transitions, peer dynamics, how adults respond, how long the child can cope before becoming dysregulated, and what seems to help them re-engage.

4. What makes you think, “this child’s difficulties aren’t about ability at all”?

I think this often. A child’s difficulties are not always about ability at all – they are often about barriers. I often think this when a child shows strengths in some contexts but struggles in others, improves with the right support, or seems capable but overwhelmed. Then I might be thinking about trauma, chronic stress at home, bullying, anxiety, poor attendance, sensory overload, gaps in teaching, frequent staff changes, or support that doesn’t match their needs. Many children have far more potential than their current presentation suggests. Sometimes the environment is the issue, not the child.

5. How do you tell the difference between anxiety, trauma, neurodivergence and simply a child having a rough patch?

Truthfully, sometimes there is no neat answer, and with some children you may never know with complete certainty exactly where their needs stem from. Human behaviour is complex. Anxiety, trauma, neurodivergence, and temporary life stress can all present in very similar ways: difficulties with attention, emotional regulation, sleep, behaviour, attendance, or relationships.
The key for me is not to rush to labels or assume one explanation too quickly. Even where a child has a neurodivergence diagnosis, that does not automatically explain all of their presentation or remove the possible impact of trauma, anxiety, or life experiences.
I look at patterns over time, gather information from different settings, understand the child’s history, and consider what has changed, what helps, and what does not. Often it is less about finding one neat explanation and more about understanding the whole picture so the right support can be put in place.

What parents need to know

6. What do you wish parents understood about cognitive testing scores and what they don’t tell us?

I wish parents understood that cognitive testing scores can be useful information, but they are not absolute truth. They are a snapshot of how a child performed on a particular day, in particular conditions. Scores can be affected by all sorts of things: sleep, anxiety, confidence, motivation, attention, sensory discomfort, health, language demands, rapport with the assessor, or previous experiences of failure. A child who is stressed or disengaged may score far below what they are truly capable of. They also miss many important strengths such as creativity, determination, humour, practical problem-solving, social insight, curiosity, and how much a child may grow with the right support.

7. Have you ever had to gently challenge a parent’s view of their child and what did that conversation teach you?

Yes, many times. One that stayed with me involved parents who were speaking quite negatively about their son because he wanted to follow a vegan lifestyle and held different values to them around animal rights. He was struggling with his identity and where he fitted within the family, while they saw his choices as unhealthy and defiant. They had also been secretly giving him meat and dairy.
There was a lot to gently challenge in that conversation. We talked about trust, respecting a young person’s developing views, and some misconceptions they had about nutrition. I also helped them consider that what they were viewing as defiance might actually have been their son trying to be himself and live by his values.
I also had to be mindful of my own reactions, as I am vegan myself. I found parts of the conversation difficult, but it was important that I stayed calm and understood their behaviour was coming more from worry and lack of understanding than bad intentions.
By keeping the conversation respectful, asking questions and offering information, things shifted. When we met again later, they were speaking about him with much more empathy. It reminded me that people rarely change when they feel judged. They are far more likely to reflect when they feel understood.

8. What are the early warning signs that a child is coping on the surface but burning out underneath?

Often the children who seem to be coping on the surface are the easiest to miss, because they are still attending, achieving, complying or staying quiet. The struggle often shows up in subtler ways first.
Early signs might be exhaustion after school, needing lots of time alone to recover, irritability at home, headaches or stomach aches, sleep problems, tearfulness, or emotional outbursts once they are in a safe space. Parents often say their child holds it together all day and then falls apart at home.
In school, it might look like perfectionism, masking distress, people-pleasing, withdrawing from others, becoming quieter than usual, lower tolerance for noise or demands, slower processing, lateness, more minor absences, or a gradual drop in motivation. Some children become very anxious about getting things wrong, while others seem flat or disconnected.

Listening without words

9. If a child says very little during an assessment, how do you still “hear” them?

A child does not have to speak a lot for us to hear them. Communication is much broader than words. I pay close attention to behaviour, body language, pace, facial expressions, where their attention goes, what they avoid, and how they respond to different parts of the interaction. Silence itself can communicate a great deal. Some children say very little because they are anxious, uncertain, masking, overwhelmed, tired, or have learned that adults do not always feel safe or helpful. So rather than viewing limited verbal communication as resistance, I try to understand what might be making speech difficult in that moment.
I use a range of child-friendly approaches beyond direct questioning such as play, drawing, scaling activities, choosing cards, sentence starters, observation, and allowing shared activity side by side rather than face to face. Often children communicate more when the pressure to talk is removed.

10. What patterns do you see in children who eventually thrive, even if their early school years were rocky?

One is the presence of at least one consistent adult who believed in them and stayed steady during difficult periods. That relationship can be hugely protective.
Another is that something in their environment improves. This might be a better school fit, the right teacher, appropriate support, stronger friendships, more stability at home, or adults understanding their needs more accurately.
I also often see them discover a genuine strength or area of competence, whether that is sport, creativity, practical skills, humour, leadership or academics. Success in one area can transform how they see themselves.

11. What is one small change parents can make at home that often has a bigger impact than they expect?

It depends on the child and what is going on, but one small thing I think can make a surprisingly big difference is giving your child 10 minutes a day of proper attention. No phone, no doing three other things, no telling them off or correcting them, and not letting your mind wander and think of other things rather than paying attention to them.
This could involve chatting, kicking a ball, playing a game, drawing, going for a walk, or whatever works for them. It is less about the activity and more about the child feeling noticed and valued. For a lot of children, especially those who get a lot of correction or tension, that small bit of consistent connection can improve behaviour and relationships far more than parents expect.

The bigger picture: systems and support

12. If you could redesign one part of the SEND system from scratch, what would you change first and why?

Great question. Working in special schools, one thing I see a lot is how far some children have to travel each day to access the right provision. Some spend long periods in taxis and attend schools far from home. That can mean less time with family, fewer chances to build local friendships, join clubs, attend parties, or feel part of their own community. For some children, the travel itself can also be tiring and stressful. If I could change one part of the SEND system, I would make specialist provision more available locally so children do not have to be disadvantaged just to get the support they need.

13. When a child presents very differently at home and at school, how do you make sense of that without taking sides?

Different presentations across settings are really common. It does not automatically mean one side is wrong or exaggerating. Children often respond differently depending on the environment, relationships, demands and where they feel safest. Some hold it together all day at school and fall apart at home. Others feel more secure at home and struggle more in school.
My role is not to take sides in a simplistic sense, but to understand the child and what may be driving those differences. I would gather views from everyone involved, including the child where possible, look for patterns, and use psychology and evidence to form the best understanding I can.
Sometimes that understanding may align more closely with one perspective than another, and it is important to be honest about that. Our role is not neutrality for the sake of it, but being guided by evidence, professional ethics and the child’s best interests.
Educational psychologists are human too, so supervision matters. It helps us reflect on our own reactions and make sure our judgement is grounded rather than biased.

14. How do you decide whether a child needs formal diagnosis, targeted intervention, or simply a different environment?

I would challenge the premise of the question slightly, because the role of an Educational Psychologist is not to decide whether a child needs a formal diagnosis. Whether a family wishes to explore diagnosis is ultimately their decision. As EPs, we may identify needs or patterns that could align with a particular diagnosis, and we can share our professional formulation, but we do not make that decision.
In the UK, support should be needs-led rather than diagnosis-led, although many families understandably feel they need a label before help is taken seriously.
My role is to understand the child’s strengths, needs and context. I would gather views from home, school and the child where possible, look at what has been tried, what has helped, what has not, and use that information to guide next steps.
Sometimes a child needs targeted support within their current setting. Sometimes the environment itself is the barrier and a different provision is needed. Sometimes further assessment from health colleagues may be helpful.

15. If you meet a child at age seven and then again at sixteen, what tends to matter most in the long arc of their development?

If I met a child at seven and then again at sixteen, what tends to matter most is rarely one assessment score, one difficult year, or one label. It is usually the relationships around them, the environments they have grown up in, and the story they have come to believe about themselves.
Children who have had at least one steady adult who believed in them, advocated for them, and stayed emotionally available often do far better over time. The right school fit, feeling understood, opportunities to succeed, and adults who did not reduce them to their worst moments can all be hugely protective.
I also think identity matters. If a child grows up believing they are the naughty one, the failure, or the problem, that can shape the path they take. If they begin to see themselves as capable, valued and able to grow, outcomes can look very different.
So, in the long arc of development, it is often connection, opportunity and self-belief that matter most. A rocky start does not have to define the ending.

Final thoughts

Dr. Lugassy’s words offer a powerful reminder that children are far more than test scores, labels or behaviour charts. Her insights highlight the importance of relationships, environments and truly listening – not just to what children say, but how they feel and respond to the world around them.

If you’re reading this and recognising some of these experiences in your own child, you’re not alone – and the right support can make all the difference. Alongside the invaluable work of professionals like educational psychologists, personalised tuition can help children rebuild confidence, develop key skills, and feel more secure in their learning. At This Child Can, I offer warm, individualised support tailored to each child’s needs, creating a safe space where they can grow in confidence and begin to thrive at their own pace.

If you’d like to find out more about how I can support your child, you can explore my tutoring services as well as my SEND tutoring services.

This article forms part of a growing series of interviews with professionals who work with children, each bringing their own expertise and perspective to support families more effectively.

I would like to sincerely thank Dr. Lugassy for her time, honesty and thoughtful reflections.